


The Tale of the Golden Onion

by jomamakenny



Category: Shrek (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Pirate, Angst, Drama, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Humor, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Pirates, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:15:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25914211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jomamakenny/pseuds/jomamakenny
Summary: Lord Tall Boy infiltrates Captain Shrek’s ship, searching for a sacred treasure map that’d been rumored to exist for centuries. As a result, Captain Shrek is left with a rather… unexpected new crew member — and even more unexpected feelings. | “It’s no’ that easy. Yeh know it’s no’ that easy.” “Sure it is!” “I have layers, Donkeh.”
Relationships: Donkey/Shrek (Shrek)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 8





	The Tale of the Golden Onion

# Forward: The Teeniest Peeny

The lore behind Lord Tall Boy was a tale as old as time. It stretched far and wide between all nations. During the year 1744 on a breezy, and rather chilly, autumn evening, Grumpy the Dwarf and Princess Pea herself brutally birthed Lord Benedict Farquaad; he emerged victoriously; uttering prolific profanities towards the cold, cruel world. Princess Pea’s labor was complete callousness; it consisted of blood, sweat, and tears — literally. Baby Benedict had flipped over his little legs to face Princess Pea’s exit hole — instead of an assumed head, which caused a doozy of complications. At the end of all the hurdles and obstacles they bore that night, the loving pair had a beautiful baby boy in their arms. It was marvelous, despite the circumstances it took to get them there. 

Lord Benedict Farquaad had a fairly luxurious childhood. Elegancy filled every day’s schedule and he wouldn’t have desired anything else. It was also quite boring. Royal and remarkably redundant activities only the wealthy partook in; pursuits that’d make any ordinary reader yawn, and so, the Narrator will spare you the gritty details. Things really got wild after his father, Grumpy the Dwarf, passed suddenly. Benedict would oversee his father’s legacy — and boy, did Benedict take the title of Lord with glee. What hadn’t been disclosed to Benedict prior, however, was Grumpy’s ship. Oh yes, his dear ol’ dad Grumpy was the captain of an undercover pirate ship! Now, Lord Farquaad was expected to lead the crew, and he couldn’t have been more ecstatic over the newfound responsibilities. 

Benedict needed a super cool, on the down low, alias to go by under his pirate persona. Due to the misfortunes of his birth, he’d been… a little _delayed_ in physical developments. To put it simply, Benedict wasn’t too tall, although he’d never admit that aloud. Considering the fact people who spoke of his pirate persona wouldn’t witness him in person, he conjured up the perfect name; a name fit for any petrifying pirate Lord. What was the name? Oh, nothing too outrageous… It was _Lord Tall Boy._

So, Lord Tall Boy he would be. Young Benedict shouted it across the seas and informed every printing company he possibly could. Alas, even in the mid-1700s, slander and petty gossip flew fast — well, as fast as they could back then. The middle ages weren’t without their own variation of a rumor mill. Over several ventures and meeting multiple influential individuals, Lord Tall Boy created a name for himself. These people saw Benedict for who he truly was: just a man attempting to compensate for _something_. Anybody with working sight knew that Lord Tall Boy certainly wasn’t very tall. He was anything but! 

One day, an incredibly clever man produced a _new_ name; a better fit of a name. This man was extremely sad, and bitter, since he spent his days printing presses. You certainly couldn’t blame him for the boredom that blossomed as a result of his banal career choice. Astoundingly, this disgruntled man changed the name of Tall Boy in the paper. He deemed the mighty pirate: Lord Teeny Peeny. Of course, that name happened to stick, and no matter how hard Benedict tried, he’d never rid himself of it. 

The pirate formerly known as Lord Farquaad was compensating for something, but it was much more satisfying to say that *something* was his phallus rather than height. The man who fabricated the lie went home downright happy that night — but Benedict was _not._

Consequently, Lord Teeny Peeny was here to stay, and that’s who he’d be. For better and for worse; for all of eternity — ergo, Benedict would take the title Teeny Peeny to his tombstone. 

# The Tale of the Golden Onion

Pussy was at it again.

“On guard!” he yelled. “Take that! And that!” Mind you, he was yelling to the air. When things got dreary aboard Shrek’s ship, Pussy in Boots would climb up to the highest lookout point. He’d heroically swing his sword, slicing it through the breeze with catlike reflexes, pretending to fight off invisible villains.

Shrek sighed, pinching his long, skinny ogre ears shut, trying to tune out the melodramatic kitty. “Gingy,” he called, “Bake me some cookehs, would yeh? Those ones with theh pink frostin’ if yeh don’t mieend.”

“For the laaast tiiime,” shrieked Gingy, “I hate making cookies! I always eat some, I can’t help it, and that’s CANNIBALISM, Captain Shrek!”

“I’ve never committed cannibalism,” said Pinocchio. His nose grew.

Shrek opened his mouth to demand the sweets once more when a hiss grated his eardrums. Pussy was making all kinds of angry cat noises, swinging his sword with increased vigor.

“Fer the love of God, would yeh keep it down!” exclaimed Shrek exclamatorily, but Pussy would not, in fact, keep it down. He was jumping and screeching, yelling “TEENY PEENY! LORD TEENY PEENY IN THE DISTANCE!”

“If yeh didn’t cry wolf five tieems a day,” sighed the captain, “maybe I’d believe yeh.” Wolf looked up, the lacey skirts of his dress rustling in the wind, mumbling under his breath “I _wish_ Pussy screamed my name,” before glancing out to sea.

“HE’S NOT CAPPING YOU, CAPTAIN,” yelled Wolf in horror, “TEENY PEENY’S SHIP IS HEADED THIS WAY!”

At that, the crew sprung into action; Pussy swung down from the lookout post, Gingy ripped off his apron, Wolf set down his book without even finding a bookmark, and Pinocchio straightened his hat. They drew their weapons as Shrek steered the ship to face the enemy head on. Teeny Peeny’s massive, dark ship loomed over them, casting a shadow across Shrek’s face, and the man of the hour appeared at the helm of the ship, red robes flowing.

“Peasants!” he began, voice booming across the deck with a certain nasal quality, “I am the legend among pirates, feared across the lands, the man who will steal your gold and your women. I AM—”

“Teeny Peeny, that is a _looooong_ intro, you sure you can measure up to it?” came a voice from behind him, and Shrek followed the sound to see a self-satisfied donkey laughing at his own joke.

“Shut. Up,” growled Teeny Peeny. “It’s Lord Tall Boy to you, and you’d do well to remember—” His threat was cut off as Pussy swung onto the scene brandishing his cutlass.

Pinocchio and Wolf followed suit, charging after Teeny Peeny’s men, and Gingy took on the donkey. Teeny Peeny crossed onto Shrek’s ship, drawing a large, long sword that glinted in the sunlight. “I heard,” he sneered, “you possess a treasure map.”

Shrek swung at him and their blades collided. “What’s it teh you?”

“I want it.”

“We all want things in life,” countered Shrek, blocking a blow, aiming for Teeny Peeny’s legs, and missing. “Don’t always get ‘em.”

Metal clashed and clanged in the bright light, screams echoing off the waves as blood spilled, but each time it seemed one captain might overtake the other, a swing landed just short of it’s mark or was blocked before it could get close. Teeny Peeny’s classical combat training as a young lad made him a skilled swordsman and Shrek’s brute strength was enough to frighten any man. So they fought and fought as the sun sank lower, until one of Teeny Peeny’s men yelled from the upper deck:

“I’VE FOUND IT, LORD TALL BOY! THE MAP! I’VE FOUND THE MAP!”

A violent scuffle ensued as everyone on deck raced toward the tattered parchment, and to Shrek’s dismay, it landed in Peeny’s hands. But all was not lost; Shrek managed to snatch up the donkey in a tight embrace. “I have a hostage,” he announced. “If yeh don’t give me mah map, this donkeh is mine.”

Teeny Peeny laughed. It was a shallow, soulless sound. “Keep the animal.” And with that, he and his men escaped. Shrek dropped the donkey in a heap of limbs and watched forlornly as the ship sailed off into the distance, but the sad silence lasted only a moment.

“That little man’s nose is _soooo_ long, Teeny Peeny couldn’t see past it, for even a second, to notice I took this!” Donkey exclaimed exuberantly, as his head ducked in Pinocchio’s direction. 

Off from the corner, the glimmer of a map could be seen wrapped snugly around Donkey’s tail. In midst of the chaos, Donkey had stealthily snatched the prize from Lord Teeny Peeny, and miraculously concealed it beneath the stray hairs of his behind. 

Behind Shrek’s typically cold orbs, a small glint of glitter shined brightly in his eyes. “Oi, Donkeh, I could kiss yeh right now!” 

A slight tinge of red graced Donkey’s grey fur; it was incredibly apparent. He choked back an overly eager _‘Really?’_ and instead settled for, “A thank you would be sufficient enough.” 

Within his chest, Donkey’s heart began to race rapidly. It beat obnoxiously for Shrek’s love, even though he’d only met the man — uh, ogre? — today. His stomach lurched, an overwhelming feeling taking over; one that consisted of his tasty lunch, beans and toast, bouncing about his gastric lining deep inside. _Almost_ love at first sight. All it took for the yearning to surface was a remark. That specific remark, mind you. 

That night, Gingy served dehydrated onions topped with frosting, and Donkey couldn’t help but gaze at the ogre in the dim lamplight. The crew took to Donkey’s talkative nature immediately, engaging in constant banter with him, but all he got from Shrek was the occasional glimmer in his eye. Still, something stirred within him at the sight. He wondered if Shrek felt it too.

Days and nights passed as they toiled away, steering the ship toward the treasure. Donkey grew to love the wind in his short, coarse hair, the sea spray that spattered his ears, the sense of adventure, of feeling _alive._ He began to wish it would never end. Alas, it was Pussy who first spotted the island in the distance amidst another one of his imaginary battles. “THE LAND IS A HO,” he bellowed.

“It’s _land ho,_ you idiot,” corrected Pinocchio. “The land isn’t a ho. None of us are. _I’m_ certainly not.” His nose grew.

Shrek and Donkey exchanged fleeting eye contact. Would this be their first and last great adventure? After this, would they part ways with their shares of the treasure, never to cross paths again? As Shrek lowered the anchor, it tugged like a weight on his heart.

The crew hopped down onto the sand and dispersed. “I think it’s this way,” cried Wolf, as Gingy ran in the other direction yelling “Over here!” But Shrek? Shrek could feel it. Somehow, the treasure was calling to him, speaking to his soul in a way only Donkey’s lingering gaze had. He crossed the beach with Donkey at his heel and stopped where sand gave way to tall grasses. “It’s here,” he said lowly. “I can feel it in me bones.”

“Shrek,” said Donkey, stopping him with one tentative hoof. “If you feel something… If you feel something between you and me, just _say_ it, we can work through it together, it’ll be a _hell_ of a lot easier than this guessing game we’re playing, back and forth and back and forth an’ all that.”

Shrek stared at Donkey, a guarded shadow falling over his expression. “It’s no’ that easy. Yeh know it’s no’ that easy.”

“Sure it is!”

“I have _layers,_ Donkeh.”

“What, like a parfait?” Donkey loved parfaits; _everybody_ loves parfaits.

“No, not like a parfait, more like… an _onion.”_

Donkey fell silent and listened.

“I have a reputation to uphold. I’m a captain, a real meanie, an _ogre_ for Christ’s sake. I don’... I don’ do feelings. I’m sorry, Donkeh, I really am.”

Something shattered in Donkey’s chest like the bitter crunch of an onion. His eyes stung with tears. They threatened to tumble with tremendous might; right into the trivial grains of sand softly placed below his hooves. _No!_ Donkey wouldn’t allow shedded tears over this silly man — this pinheaded _ogre_ — he’d only met _days_ preceding their current conversation. Courageously, Donkey blinked the liquid around the brim of his eyes away. Now? His tears ceased to exist, but the unceded burning passion he felt for Shrek? That thrived, alive and well, in Donkey’s equidaen heart. Unfortunately for him, it wasn’t something he could simply blink gone. 

A whopping _whoosh_ detonated from the waves of the ocean. This rather reverberative gesture turned both Donkey and Shrek’s heads. In their vision came a ship; the same massive, dark ship from before. It was time — time to defend their rightful territory. Donkey’s former inner monologue was forced to, while not entirely concluded, come to a hefty halt. 

“You thought you could escape?” called Lord Teeny Peeny, but not even Shrek’s long ears or Donkey’s wide ones could make out his words from such a distance. “What’s that, Teeny Peeny?” yelled Donkey.

“YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE?” he tried again, but still they could not hear.

Lord Teeny Peeny hopped down from his ship, stumbled upright in the shallow water, and sprinted across the sand toward them. Panting for breath, he repeated himself. “You thought... you could... _escape?”_

_“Thaaaat’s_ better,” said Donkey. Lord Teeny Peeny shot him a glare and continued.

“While your sharply dressed feline was playing pretend at the lookout post, we’ve been following your ship from a distance, and you’ve led us straight to the treasure. Captain — if you, the slimy ogre that you are, are even worthy of that title — your days are _over.”_

With a swift motion, one so quick it was barely noticeable, Lord Teeny Peeny had grasped onto the sword stored safely in his belt. Jerking his wrist, he revealed the weapon, and before anybody could react… Teeny Peeny thrusted the sharp blade into Shrek’s lower abdomen. He chuckled deafeningly loud; an utterly evil and maniacal sound. Afterward, everything seemed to grow quiet. Even the waves of the water slowed, deathly afraid to make a single peep. 

A mere few seconds of silence passed, but then, Donkey shrieked in despair as Shrek’s body sunk to the ground. Full of adrenaline, Donkey began to desperately dig his hooves into the sand. Perhaps the treasure would offer a solution; perhaps the treasure could save his love’s life. 

His hoof hit something smooth and solid. Eagerly, he plunged his face into the sand, fishing for the object. His teeth sunk into it with a _crunch_ and a bitter taste filled his mouth, but there was something almost sweet in the flavor, something that made him want to cry. When he resurfaced, he had between his teeth an onion. _A Golden Onion._

Abruptly, Donkey sprinted to the fallen soldier, preparing to feed Shrek the Golden Onion. With a soft _plop,_ Donkey dropped the sacred vegetable into his lover’s already open jaw. In the process, Donkey kept hold of the onion with his teeth; he didn’t want Shrek to _choke_ either. That’d only make the circumstances worse. 

Shrek, still fighting for dear life, leisurely took a bite from the onion; he accepted the aromatic taste of this unexpected potion with joy. The wet, juicy _crunch_ urged him to continue. It called to him full of lust; practically whispering right beside his ear: _Take another bite, Shrek. Please. We want to fill you with our golden nectars._ So then, he took another, and another, and another... Bit by bit, the golden nectars consumed him… Then gradually, after every _chomp,_ Shrek’s strength returned. The wound crafted by Teeny Peeny’s sword began to heal, but Donkey was too concerned with holding the onion in place to notice at first.

__

__

__

Although, his lesion wasn’t the only thing mended. Inexplicably, the Golden Onion’s powers healed his whole heart. For the first time, he could clearly feel his devotion for Donkey. It was an infatuation Shrek could no longer ignore; the temptation to kiss that sweet, fuzzy muzzle of Donkey’s rushed through his body vigorously. Right now? His reputation wasn’t important; he craved to have those mushy lips pressed up against his own. 

__

__

__

Shrek, _finally,_ stopped fighting it. The Golden Onion had enlightened him. All he needed was _Donkey._ Like a bolt of roaring electricity, Shrek raised his arm to push the onion to the side, and allowed his mouth to land on Donkey’s in a flashing haze. Shrek kissed _his_ lover with an intensity and passion so potent, Donkey almost fell backwards. Shrek would never let that happen; as if he’d predicted that outcome, the ogre caught the donkey. 

__

__

__

From now on, Shrek would always be there to catch Donkey, wherever they may wind up.

__

__

__

**Author's Note:**

> brought to you by your favorite duo: ko & jenny. follow for more shenanigans.


End file.
